Disappointment

2011-10-14T18:38:00.000-07:00

This week I had an audition that would decide whether I was placed in the top band (Symphonic) or the middle band (Concert). I'd been preparing for this audition for months. In my last post I wrote about my panic attacks. I've had thousands of those, all for this one audition. I practice around 6-8 hours a week. You'd think all that practicing would place me in Symphonic, right? Wrong. I got put in inferior Concert. I know that may not seem like a big deal to people who aren't really into playing instruments. but it's a huge deal for me. All I wanted was to get in. I would taken the lowest chair in that band, just to be in it. But no, I'm not even 1st in Concert, I'm 2nd. I know for a fact that I practice at least double the amount that everyone above me does. All the upperclassmen told me I would get into Symphonic if I practiced a lot. Well, let's do some math. 6 hours a week x 4 weeks in a month = 24 hours. Hey, look at that! I practice at least an entire day a month. Wait, 8 hours x 4 weeks = 32 hours. I don't know about you, but that is a lot of time. Not to mention that I also have tons of homework, chores, marching band commitments, and a social life. No one seems to get why I'm so pissed off at this. Let me explain: I cared so much. Band is my life. Everyone told me I had a chance. I was prepared. So what happened? Nerves. I freak out at auditions, and the three people who got Symphonic on my instrument obviously thrive at auditions. Normally, they are so-so players, but at auditions? The blossom. It's truly impressive. But that really isn't fair. They don't practice, they only care about their egos. No one seems to understand why I feel like I should just give up life right now. Do any of you? I had such high expectations to live up to. And I failed. Imagine that feeliing, then multiply it by 10 million. You have to take into consideration my GAD and dedication. What can I do?

Anxiety

2011-10-10T18:56:00.000-07:00

An overused word,really. I hear it in school all the time- Ohmygod, my hair has splint ends, it's totally giving me anxiety-but for me, its more serious than that. You see, about 2 years ago, I was diagnosed with GAD or General Anxiety Disorder. Sounds fun,right? Not really. It starts with small panic attacks once a month or so, moments of complete terror that pass quickly. You start to worry about things: acing a test, landing a job, that kind of thing. Seems normal, until you notice how intensely you examine these situations. You look for flaws in yourself, convinced that something will go wrong. The panic attacks increase. They become more intense. For me, it's at least twice a day. Here's my symptoms: pounding head, terror, cold sweat, knotting muscles, and a sense that everything will go wrong. It's frightening, feeling yourself lose control of reality like that. I've gotten talented at hiding the attacks, for survival. In high school, you can't let those teens sense your weakness. They would pounce on it. Most of my friends don't even know until something big is happening. I can imagine how I look: my eyes huge and spacey, my teeth chattering, and my forehead wrinkling. I know, intense. But no one knows I feel like that all the time. Randomly, these attacks hit me, and I am powerless to stop them.
But what can I do? I try rationalizing, forgetting, preparing, but nothing works. In a perfect world, I wouldn't have to be afraid of failing, of judgement, of anything. But that's not how we live. Our presidents ignore the mounting debt, our so called "leaders" ignore the failing morality of today's teenagers, and all the countries hate one another. So what is a panic attack-ridden teen to do? I don't know, but maybe one day I will...
But the thing is, I've started getting the attacks at night,too. I will wake up, drenched in sweat. I feel incredibly dizzy, yet I feel a persistent pounding on my head. My limbs feel slow and heavy. My stomach twists and makes me groan in pain. I didn't know what these were at first, but soon I saw it. What kind of world is this? Fathers in jail, teenagers with acute anxiety disorders, mothers having their uteruses removed. Can anyone tell me what the hell is going on?

Narration of a Life

Disappointment

Anxiety